Afraid yet again.

Sometimes when we talk I feel like he's not giving it as much atention as he used to in the beginning. I need to stop talking about my feelings to him. Yet at the same time this is when all our much valued honesty goes to shit. But i am feeling a change (at least I think I do) in our behavior. We're getting slightly more comfortable with each other and giving 100% isn't a thing anymore. And that doesnt cut it for me. We got high on feelings, absorbing them like some poisonous fumes with every pore of our bodies. The fumes are now burning me from the inside yet it looks like I am glowing. Radiation glowing more like but who would be able to tell if I cant even tell myself?

Stars burn bright

I am (was) so apprehensive

But I dont know why

Baby I am ready for you to be by my side, by my side.

If (When) I end up heartbroken, it'll (will it be?) be all worth it although i am the least ready for it. I am the least ready to crash and if I am meant to... well at least I flew high enough to get sight of something I've never seen before. And this knowledge makes me happy.

We been talking all those things and I am getting more and more anxious about the end. I don't want to let go and I am not even slightly ready to let go. I havent been preparing myself for the worst, I been only climbing higher and higher with him, getting drunk and high on the feelings. It's like swimming in the middle of the sea and not being aware of the depth. Not knowing whether the sandy bottom is just at a stretch of your leg or damn far where a sunlight isnt a thing, under a thick layer of kelp where the blind creatures hunt for prey. It tickles my fancy to feel this "dangerous" "unpredictable" and "adventerous" way, cant argue that. Yet my rationalism (fear?) is stumbling me and telling me to not let go. It prevents me from moving forward. It's only back or stay. As usual.

But I am not even sure whether being paralized in the middle of the sea is any better than drowning while swimming to what you think is calling you by your name.

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i dont understand myself anymore, i do not understand how could i have fallen for someone so head over heels that i cant even spend a minute without thinking about them and my heart races each time i am about to see him. it sounds just like a silly stupid description o f vanilla love or a definition of the "lovey dovey" feeligns in a dictionary but surprisingly enough this is exactly how i feel at the moment.

i cant get over him yet and i lost all my careful thinking which really scares me. It terrifies me that i do not know what i am doing, i do not know why am i exposing all my feelings like that. i feel naked and i feel extremely exposed. but it feels great to fall. and i just feel so refreshed, as I havent felt this way before or maybe I have forgotten these feelings if I did ever get them.

we are only making memories and nothing else yet he tells me he doesn't want us to be a part of the game or just a summer thing. yet i have no idea what i want myself. it is already as if we are dating just like it was with paul except i feel totally different around him. i am so crazed. i dont even know whether I really want that formal "we are in a relationship" typa thing because frankly i already feel as if we are. i dont feel like looing for anyone else and he doesnt have time to look anyway. i dont even think i want a realtionship realtionship. we hang out when we can, i met some of his friends and he met some of mine. I think the labels may ruin me without changing anything between us.

except one thing.

we are moving so quickly. Given, ever since i talked to him for the first time, i knew i was extremely interested in him. When by some bizzare odds we met at edc we made out like there was no tomorrow and i knew i wanted him to be there for me. i knew i wanted to see him again just to make sure this wasnt E supplying an insane amoun of affection on his side because i knew i wasn't rolling as hard as he was. on a Monday right after edc weekend he drove down and we were in his car and i felt a little awkward and wasnt sure we were still good. but after some time i felt so free and happy that i couldnt even contain msyelf after that. That night we already slept and i let him stay tilll the morning. did i know? no i didnt. did he know? nope. but it just happenend to be and i couldnt figure how i felt about it. i felt shitty and scared because this was how my sick relationship with P started. sex. friends with benefits. sexsexsex. sex was the reason i felt used and unwanted although i knew he started feeling for me. but by the time he started feeling, i couldnt/didnt want to relate anymore. i wanted sex, i wanted physical attraction, i wanted to feel wanted but the last thing i wanted from him was love or whatever feelings he had to offer. and this was why i was so afraid the next morning and i felt used. i felt like i instigated the proximity of our realtionship and i was the one who gave him a "go" but i still felt dirty and useless. i felt like i was just someone who didint deserve love. I felt like all I wanted to do is keep fucking him to prove something to myself. to prove that everyone hardly wants anything but sex. and I wanted to keep him and hurt him and make sure he knows I am more than just sex. And I felt so much anger and despair. Without any reason, just on my own. I think I was just lonely as hell and couldnt imagine him actually liking me. That day I met Sam and told her that all they want is fuck. and they'd do anything just to get at you. and I felt like breaking down. so drama, much disappointment.

but somehow it all passed. and now I just dwell in the feelings I get from this relationship. I feel enamored and pleasantly lost. He is somethingelse and if I end up heartbroken like everyone professes over me, it'll be all worth it although i am the least ready for it. I am the least ready to crash and if I am meant to... well at least I flew high enough to get sight of something I've never seen before. And this knowledge makes me happy.

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Things I will not tell.

i honestly have so much to say but i dont say even a half of what i'd like to say.

I have many things to say to my mom. I want to tell her i am worried and afraid. I want her to know i am not looking for a job for her because i just want her to relax and not do anoything as long as i can work. I want to tell her i actually did quit smoking and she doesnt ahve to hiss at me every time i come home. I want her to know i am ok if she decides to divorce my dad. i want to tell her a lot of things but i wont.

I want to tell P. that i really like and appreciate everything about him and i love his gentle attention and his care. But i cant forgive and forget the lies he got himself into in the beginning of our relationship. I forgave him but i cant trust him. iwant him to know that I do not forgive cheaters and i dont forgive lies. I want him to know that i WILL be seeing other guys over summer and that i am okay with him meeting/having sex with whoever will be within his reach. I just want him to stop lying. I want to tell him that there are times he makes me feel embarrased. But i forgive him and dont show it. I want to thank him fo rdealing with me and my nasty personality and irritability. I just want him to know that i start feeling the dame about hima s i felt with my ex. caged.

I want to tell myself that i may not be the best but i still need to egt my shit together for me. because if i cant do it for me. than hey. noone will

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One week summer break.

Better be excited for the break. Better make me some morning coffee.

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Some may say i am one tough motherfucker. Came about to US at the age of but fifteen, worked full time while trying to finish high school, went to college and on average am doing quite decent.

(Unfinished)

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I am crumbling apart and am hoping to reassemble into something better than I was before.

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Can't believe there's a whole new ywar ahead of me. But it is also unbelievable how a fraction of this year is already gone.

I had many things going on yet I can't recall a single one from January.

- New year's at Sandra's mother's bf house

- Start of the new quarter (Gender, Math, English 80)

- P.'s Birthday

- My birthday (Thursday surprise, Sam's gift, high tea, drinks, Fara&Gulya, sushi, drinks, frat row)

- Post Secret event. (I recently found out my bed buddy has a girlfriend. [I confessed I had feelings for him.] I lied. But I hope i’ll be able to break his heart. I hate liars.)

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Looks like a dream place and maybe i should start treating it like one

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I been writing the same paper for the past three days, wtf is wrong with me? I probably have changed the thesis at least 5 freaking times if not more. Can't hadnle it anymore and now I am just bullshitting and making up stuff. Wow and was it really worth thre three days struggle?

It's the same with education, I feel like. Is it really worth paying all these money and struggle with learning and actually trying to learn something just to end up being someone average and uninfluential? Obviously it is what you make out of it but i am honestly so sick of hearing that. I so hope to get a good grade on this paper. If i dont, i am going to take it as a sign to un-enroll and go out to the big road.......

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The midterms hit me in a face like a sack of balls. Holy shit, what was i thinking tryna get away with an hour of studying the day before the midterm actually happens?e to be on the same page

I got a shitty grade for math, korean and the anthropology paper. Now I have an anthropology exam coming up and i better better be learning my lesson quickly that threre are many talanted people but I am sumply not one of them. This is such a blessing to be in this school and to be on this beautiful ccampus and have all these opportunities I am not taking advantage of. This is insane, I am endlessly thankful for this opportuninties that have come my way. However, I really need to wake up and realize that I have to be at least on the same page as everyone else, not just drag behind and think everything os going to be okay. How do you even think that you can get away with these shitty grades? I can't even managemy academic life, what is there to say about having both acdemic and the social lives? Seriously, I started having si much respect for people who are madly imvolved in everything and keep up with their grades.

I just have to focus more on studying rather than satisfying my wants. Honestly, In the end.... what is worth more having to know many people around you or just be sucessful in what you end up doing? Yet another question is whether success is your studies or what you get out of it?

• Pay more attention in class
• Better notes
• More studying
• Careful reading
• Better analysis
• Trying to learn, not get through

College is indeed a beautiful time. I enjoy the ride so much.

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Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра

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Lately I been feeling bit anti-social. I do not want to put a lotif effort into meeting any people or doing new things. All I want to do is succeed in my classes. I still have tha "good student" syndrome. It is quite sad tho that I would trade social life for grades which matter little in the end. I also been feeling happy with myself completely alone in the room. I seek escape from my own house, my mother and T. And now that I keep thinking of us being apart and me being much happier with that than he is, I can assume several things of my own self and his needs. I am not here to satisfy his needs, yet this is what he wants and erquuires of me all the time. VBut if I am not willing tot satisfy his needs, do i not love him? I can not figure this riddle out.

I also want to change many of my habits, such as studying in studying halls and reading better of the paper source, I figured I need to adjust to life instead of adjusting life to yself, at least at the given point.

---

There we go, I almost quit my job, i am moving into the dorms tomorrow. I am still not so excited and at the same time I am not even accustomed with a thought that i am about to start school again. I think i am still insecure about everything, especially the academics part.

DORMS.

I am staying at Sunset village canyon point on the second floor. This building is far away from the other residence halls and therefore is considered "antisocial". Looks reallly quiet but at the same time it's close to the Covel commons a.k.a best dining hall, so i dont really mind. However, I do feel somewhat awkward socially and emotionally unprepared to meet new people. I feel scared. I feel afraid of being unaccepted.

I really need to get shit straight with the roommates and with myself. Need to get some of that self-confidence and be fearless.

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Вчера я как дура хотела Д. Знаю, что он на меня давно смотрит, но жена и дети-это ни ни. Но какое черт возьми у него было выражение лица после шифта, когда мы все выпили и танцевали под poquito mas. Хотелось его невозможно просто нжажнснсосомом что в голове вообще творится!

Сегодня поехала на ориентацию, ничем она еще меня не обрадовала, особенно контингент расстроил. Позже напишу еще

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Create your own travel map - TravBuddy

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Дилеммы.

Только что посмотрела фильм Kill Your Darlings. Да, просто ДА. Много намешано эмоций в фильме, много желания, одержимости, зависимости и жестокости. Чего только стоит ситуация Аллена и его матери. Второй фильм с участием Рэдклифа и нравится. Все-таки он мне очень симпатичен как актер. Ну чего он только не сделал чтобы только от образа Гарика избавиться: и голым с лошадью сфотографировался и с мужиком поцеловался.

Дни как дни, я до сих пор не могу понять как же решить что дороже: отношения или же все остальное. С одной стороны в конце дня у меня никого нет кроме него. А с другой стороны может потому у меня никого и нет, что он есть. Дилемма накаляется с поступлением в универ. Я знаю, что будет чудовищно с ним, будем много ссориться и все из-за времени. У меня его не будет, а то, что будет, я захочу использовать на новые знакомства, а не на него. Вот и непонятно. Без него прожила три месяца, не выдержала, вернулась. А с ним вот...

Хочу новую работу. Платят хорошо, а вот условия конечно... Ну и не порадуешься лишний раз, тоже. Опять дилемма, нелюбимая работа за хорошие деньги. А почему нет любимой работы - а потому что есть хорошо оплачиваемая. Эти дилеммы, неужели она навсегда? Вот казалось они в меня только влетели, а вот уже кажется и вся жизнь ими забита.

много мыслей, а вот все равно как обо всем напишешь...

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Настолько разочарованной я, Кажется, Не Была никогда.

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I just wish i never had you. Right now right here I regret every single thing we've done together and God forbids me to make such mistake again. Reviving hope in someone is a miracle yet when you know their hopes are useless, it hurts. I never wished him any evil. And, given, never wished him any pain. I am sorry, I am endlessly sorry for sawing a seed in you and not ripping the consequences. I am so sorry. Forgive me if you can. I never wanted you, i wanted somebody. I never wished for your hands, I wished for someone's hands. I never wanted your love. I wanted affection yet you grew a plant from a dead seed and I am sorry I have to kill it. I am endlessly sorry. I really am.

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dame un poquito mas
dime un poquito mas

no te entiendo.

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Немного уставшая, нуждаюсь в vacation.
Наконец-то заказала молескин, такой же, что у меня был два года назад. Обожаю его, этот фиолетовый, прошлый был черный. Мне нравится размер, бумага, все все.
I tend to write more in this size diary rather than in larger ones. And it's easier to skip days. Единственное, что огорчает, это то, что я прождала слишком долго, уже май, а я начинаю ежедневник...
Anyways, life's crazy life's bright.

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