[koreatown]

So i just came back from a completely crazy weekend. I planned to surprise C. at Nocturnal about a month ago. And on the sunday after work H. picked me up and we went to ralphs then shot straight for the venue since Rojas didnt pick up his phone (apparently he lost it) we arrived around 4:30 and went in. Oh wow. it was pretty great considering we were not on anything but some makkoli and beer. but i kept being extremely anxious about not being able to find them because C. was considering not bringing a totem. I freaked out and was surprisingly lost although th music and stuff was pretty great. But oh well. We went to walk around and seconds later I saw their totem! Oh god. I lost my damn mind the secomd I saw C.'s back. I think I ran crazy and covered his eyes haha I got so excited I thought I was gonna go insanr. I love rethinking and reliving that moment in my memory. I could've sworn he yelled "WHAT. THE FUCK??????" and almost cried lol but it was fucking great, the night was beautiful, the lights, the roll was mild but still enjoyable and pleasant. H.'s roll was fucking fun i think he enjoyed it a lot. Kaskade was great, we had a lot if fun together with C. and the group but mostly C. i got the part of the roll where i danced insane at kaskade hahaha but it was damn amazinggggggg. and he claims that some guy was dancing with me but i ran off back to C. and kissed him while the guy was watching us lololol We left around 1:45 and drove to The House. C. and I were sitting outside smokking, being disgusting and looking at pictures, the night was fucking great and i was so damn excited to go to bed with him and talk and snuggle and just be close to him. That damn moment Rojas storms into the backyard screaming his stuff got stolen.

We rushed in and found a guy ptfo in a pile of rojas' laundry. High on fucking X. and there wasa buncha shit falling out of his pockets that he stole. everyone started confronting him and then kicked him out ofthe house. The guys took X and fucking passed out. I was awake and kept hearing the guy knocking on the woindows, walking around and trying to look inside the house and ringing the bell and it drove me insane. I got up to drink water and sat by the door just numbly observing everything. I think i might've been flat after noc. then i laid on the thingy by C. and five minutes later I saw the guy coming down the stairs... I woke up C. and told him the guy was inside. He left to wake up the boys but couldnt for awhile so i stepped up and talked to the junkie. I got jhim to sit down and tried to find out where he hid the stuff he stole that was the moment goddamn boyd showed up and started giving him attitude and thats what sparked a series of crazy events. He went to C. and started punching him in the face multiple times. I ran up to him and tried separating them. yep. crazy. then rojas and elhard with a damn baseball bat pulled him away. they took it to the hallway and continued fighting there. then they took it outside. then back in and i got some ice for him but he heard the quarrel outisde andthey both ran outside again. Lastly inside they kept fighting and C. ended up choke holding him.

they separated and rojas tried pacifying him then i joined and we got him to go outside. hour and i half later we got him to leave. and i went it to talk to C. about my past and stuff. we chained 3 stoges and cried and went to sleep hoping we never see that mofo again. i couldnt sleep for a long time and we found out he crashed on the freeway but we never found out how he got away with that. we woke up again around 5 pm from rojas screaming in our faces that he was coming for us. so we dipped. I asked C. to stay with me in LA and i dont feel safe for him. now everyone has dipped. everyone were staying in some other place. all freaked the fuck out.

Now I am still worried. and all i want is for him to be safe. cant have this shit again.

i am just stupidly inlove with him and things just escalate so quickly. and i am scared that he'll burn a huge bleeding hole in my damn heart. but i cant stop it and cant do anything about it. like he said, somehow the threshold for being scared for our lives to lose the other is terribly near.

Idk where this goes. I am afraid more than ever and I really think we grew even closer over this weekend and couple of other series of events. I think we just cling to each other like there is no tomorrow and my heart misses him the secod we separate. I am not used to thinking with a muscle but my grey mass is a bulk of garbage that someone mistakenly left outside.

On one hand I am dying to see how it all ends, from the other hand, I want to savor every moment of my blind affection.