I am so lost so lost so lost so lost. the only thing that changes is me getting older.

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I have to do it again and change everything one more time.

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вечно в дураках (12/16/2013)

Wow 6 years later this post is relevant again and I hope it gives me strength.

I think this time I am really ready to break up with him. My heartache means less to me, my expectations are low and my hopes are challenged with my business. All of my thoughts about him are reduced to minimum. The only thing that truly bothers me is my memories about him, about us. My phone is filled with our pictures, his number is imprinted on my memory, every other place flashes our moments together. I don't have anything to hold on to this time and I am ready to fall into the new world without him.

несмотря ни на что я прорвусь
страшно придумывать себе новую жизнь без него, страшно думать, что после всего, что уже было, я остаюсь одна. вечно в дураках

Одна отрада - работа. я поняла насколько важно иметь занятие и уметь отвлекаться от всего что преследует в дурных мыслях

запись создана: 16.12.2013 в 00:34

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I am literally so annoyed at people and particularly men who think that you do not understand what they are doing and what their agenda is. All the looks and questions and assertions. I let them think I am dumb and don't know what's going on but honestly all I can say is CMON DUDE noone is this stupid. just stop

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I had a dream about C. I was running through some alley behind the houses and retsirants while other ppl (mostly my relatives were passing me to go to some wedding) and suddenly I saw him. He was wearing an apron and had a good look about him. He stopped me and spoke to me. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was getting ready for boards and working at a restaurant. I don't recall what we were doing but we were just talking and catching up with each other. I felt easy and slightly sad. Bitter sweet because we weren't close anymore but relieved because we were getting the closure. He then took me to a shack, kinda looking like Gushi and ordered food for me and his miltiple friends were offering us bizzarre dishes. I kept looking at him and feeling that strange feeling of relief and soft, quiet happiness for him. I remember distinctly thinking "We can now say goodbye to each other for good" and that closure just made me feel so light.

I did not think we ended on a bad note unti now. Last time we met we ate chicken and drank a lot of beer and soju. Walked around the block linking arms. And then he dropped me off to where he knew I shared a bed with someone else. And I even had the audacity to peck him on the lips one last time. Break up was still fresh for us and the kiss was not definitive. It has been over 2 years since we last met. And only now I feel guilt for not having a proper closure. At least I feel that we did not have one. Idk if he still thinks about me. I barely think about him. I did not say happy birthday. I don't text or communicate with him in any way. I don't have any feelings toward him but I do feel that it was shady of me to do what I did. and I feel bad for the situation ore than I feel bad for him but I won't say anything. He doesn't need to say anything. I feel disgust each time I see his snaps getting drunk w his friends which happens more often than not. And yet, some little worm of doubt earns to speak again althoug there isnt anything to soeak about anymore.

There is a right time for everything - I say that a lot but still can't follow my own advice. Our time for any kinda closure is lost.

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idol

snapetales.com/index.php?auth_id=1508

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Выглядит пиздец как, конечно, но оно мне надо а то начну скоро рисовать палочки на стене и зачеркивать.

UPD: ЛОЛ ШТО?

UPD2: Так и живем

UPD3: жду перемен
UPD3: перемены здесь

запись создана: 26.10.2010 в 09:31

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Carrot

I love my cat so fucking much. I’ve had her for a year now and it’s also her birthday month.

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Another year same me. styaing in school for two extra quarters in order to prep myself for a Pharma school must teach me osmething and if it doesnt... I dont even know. I dont even know if i want to do pharma but i know i want to be my own fucking person, not have dedalines, quotas and schedules and make some $$$. this poverty strike is just beyond depressing me and the more I think about, the more frustrated I get. Years just pass by so damn quickly and here I am now 23 when it seems that just yesterday I was 19. ANd this is what really upsets me the most. That there is no significnt chnage in my lifestyle that would possib;y make me feel like "oh yeah there you go. you are older now but it is justified by this this and that" but here I am, still bussing around, not being able to afford my own apartment, not able to take my mom for a vacation or buy certain things, eat certian things or do certain things. And it's all about the money. Until I make it, I can't fake it.

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