SEA

I have nothing to do on my day off because I'd do all the things with him here, also.

And I am a little hurt he isn't even tryna talk to me right now but I was the one who flew him out to spend time with his family, so I am guessing it's only fair.

missing him

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Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра

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I just want to stop crying.

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i am very much afraid. what if i am sick in the head and I dont even know it. and no one does?

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And i still fiind it funny that my first impulse is to lay out my worries in writing.

Must be seeking tangible things.

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The Color of the Darkness

Often/most of the times (which one carries a stronger meaning anyway?) I let my grades throw me off.

I cant fit it in my head all the right things that people tell you. "grades are not what defines you" "grades don't mean you're not smart" or in simpler words "grades don't mean shit." I can't fight the stigma that I've had for as long as I can remember myself. Grades are definition of what I am. They show how smart I really am in comparison to the other kids in the class. For that there is a cure also (of course.) "don't compare yourself to the others" "take it at your own pace" translates to "you're just worse than them" in my head.

I can;;t understand why am I so unmotivated and so confused as to what I need/want to do. For awhile I had this idea in my head that I want to switch to humanities major and jave it relatively easy. But then again I can't be okay with the thought "oh. humanities are easy. you're a quitter." I can'y wrap my head around it. Are they really easy or is it just that something I ight be good at? Anyone could get an A in humanities. But then again is it the grade that matters? I can't accostom myself with the thought that I would be some humanities major, all the empowering stories about switching from sciences to their passions and being happy arent enough for me to take that step over the ditch. Because why? because I donnt have a passion. And I like to discourage myself in that way while stimulating the other end "oh but oif you dint discover you'll never find your passion." Yet I never believed in taking shots in the dark. The dark is just too dark for me.

I must be in control and I really am not.

Not in control of anything that's happeing in my life.

Everything has spun out of control and I am on my knees blindly pulpating the darkness in hope to grasp something. I look up and I look down. I see nothing. And I cant tell whether I am blind or the darkness is really that dark. How much darkness is really dark? What is darkness? Absense of light. There is no defenition to darkness, it doesnt exist. It's just the absense of light that exists. But darkness itself does not. So many things are just an absense of something else but not the real thing by itself. So how can something exist by the absense of another?

Rhetorical questions must be my thing. I must enjoy the torture of not knowing the answer and excusing myself for it by thinking the answers don't exist. But they're just the absense of thinking just like the darkness. Stupidity doesnt exist, it's just the absense of thought.

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I am afraid because this has never happened to me and never have I ever liked a boy more than he liked me.

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My own world doesnt let me live in the real one.

I am afraid to admit it and afraid it will disappear once I tell. I am not usre what I want more - for it to let me go or to dissolve in it and never come back.

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Looking for a positive outcome in every situation.

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These just fucking burn into my heart and brain. How do people come up with lyrics like these? I cant get over this shit.

Download Kaskade Disarm You for free from pleer.com

Let me disarm you,

I am not trying to own you

I just wanna know what it feels like

To have your body so close

Let me absolve you

Of the past that controls you

I just wanna know what you look like

Without a weight on your soul

I know somewhere we could get away

If you wanna find another place, love

Disappear and never leave a trace

I'll take you anywhere you want

So let me disarm you

There's an army I'm fighting around your heart

Let me disarm you

'Cause baby I just want to love who you really are

Who you really are

So let me disarm you

So let me disarm you

Spoken in silence

Blazing like sirens

I can bring you out of the darkness

Into the fiery light

I know somewhere we could get away

If you want to find another place, love

Disappear and never leave a trace

I'll take you anywhere you want

So let me disarm you

There's an army I'm fighting around your heart

Let me disarm you

'Cause baby I just want to love who you really are

Who you really are

Let me disarm you

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So i just came back from a completely crazy weekend. I planned to surprise C. at Nocturnal about a month ago. And on the sunday after work H. picked me up and we went to ralphs then shot straight for the venue since Rojas didnt pick up his phone (apparently he lost it) we arrived around 4:30 and went in. Oh wow. it was pretty great considering we were not on anything but some makkoli and beer. but i kept being extremely anxious about not being able to find them because C. was considering not bringing a totem. I freaked out and was surprisingly lost although th music and stuff was pretty great. But oh well. We went to walk around and seconds later I saw their totem! Oh god. I lost my damn mind the secomd I saw C.'s back. I think I ran crazy and covered his eyes haha I got so excited I thought I was gonna go insanr. I love rethinking and reliving that moment in my memory. I could've sworn he yelled "WHAT. THE FUCK??????" and almost cried lol but it was fucking great, the night was beautiful, the lights, the roll was mild but still enjoyable and pleasant. H.'s roll was fucking fun i think he enjoyed it a lot. Kaskade was great, we had a lot if fun together with C. and the group but mostly C. i got the part of the roll where i danced insane at kaskade hahaha but it was damn amazinggggggg. and he claims that some guy was dancing with me but i ran off back to C. and kissed him while the guy was watching us lololol We left around 1:45 and drove to The House. C. and I were sitting outside smokking, being disgusting and looking at pictures, the night was fucking great and i was so damn excited to go to bed with him and talk and snuggle and just be close to him. That damn moment Rojas storms into the backyard screaming his stuff got stolen.

We rushed in and found a guy ptfo in a pile of rojas' laundry. High on fucking X. and there wasa buncha shit falling out of his pockets that he stole. everyone started confronting him and then kicked him out ofthe house. The guys took X and fucking passed out. I was awake and kept hearing the guy knocking on the woindows, walking around and trying to look inside the house and ringing the bell and it drove me insane. I got up to drink water and sat by the door just numbly observing everything. I think i might've been flat after noc. then i laid on the thingy by C. and five minutes later I saw the guy coming down the stairs... I woke up C. and told him the guy was inside. He left to wake up the boys but couldnt for awhile so i stepped up and talked to the junkie. I got jhim to sit down and tried to find out where he hid the stuff he stole that was the moment goddamn boyd showed up and started giving him attitude and thats what sparked a series of crazy events. He went to C. and started punching him in the face multiple times. I ran up to him and tried separating them. yep. crazy. then rojas and elhard with a damn baseball bat pulled him away. they took it to the hallway and continued fighting there. then they took it outside. then back in and i got some ice for him but he heard the quarrel outisde andthey both ran outside again. Lastly inside they kept fighting and C. ended up choke holding him.

they separated and rojas tried pacifying him then i joined and we got him to go outside. hour and i half later we got him to leave. and i went it to talk to C. about my past and stuff. we chained 3 stoges and cried and went to sleep hoping we never see that mofo again. i couldnt sleep for a long time and we found out he crashed on the freeway but we never found out how he got away with that. we woke up again around 5 pm from rojas screaming in our faces that he was coming for us. so we dipped. I asked C. to stay with me in LA and i dont feel safe for him. now everyone has dipped. everyone were staying in some other place. all freaked the fuck out.

Now I am still worried. and all i want is for him to be safe. cant have this shit again.

i am just stupidly inlove with him and things just escalate so quickly. and i am scared that he'll burn a huge bleeding hole in my damn heart. but i cant stop it and cant do anything about it. like he said, somehow the threshold for being scared for our lives to lose the other is terribly near.

Idk where this goes. I am afraid more than ever and I really think we grew even closer over this weekend and couple of other series of events. I think we just cling to each other like there is no tomorrow and my heart misses him the secod we separate. I am not used to thinking with a muscle but my grey mass is a bulk of garbage that someone mistakenly left outside.

On one hand I am dying to see how it all ends, from the other hand, I want to savor every moment of my blind affection.

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I am also afraid H. will dip on me.

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Goodbye to the world.

 

Honestly, if someone remixes porter and Oh Wonder I will cry rivers.

Thank you, I'll say goodbye now

Though its the end of the world, don't blame yourself

And if its true,

I will surround you and give life to a world

That's our own

***

I guess I lost the light, now I’ve given all my love to you

I’ve given all my love to you

I’ve given all my love to you

I’ve given all my love to you

I’ve given all my, given all my love to you, you

***

Oh won’t you be my livewire?

Make me feel like I’m set on fire

Your love will take me higher and higher

Oh won’t you be my livewire?

So hold me when I fall away from the lines

When I’m losing it all, when I’m wasting the light

And hold me when I put my heart in your hands

When I’m losing it all, when I’m wasting it all

***

Before you came round my heart would never beat much faster

Before you came round I was ready to slow down

Before you came round I was heading for a small disaster

Before you came round I was ready to blow me down

 

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skol'ko slov i emocii. i vse v pustuyu. i vse ne o glavnom.