i cant get over him yet and i lost all my careful thinking which really scares me. It terrifies me that i do not know what i am doing, i do not know why am i exposing all my feelings like that. i feel naked and i feel extremely exposed. but it feels great to fall. and i just feel so refreshed, as I havent felt this way before or maybe I have forgotten these feelings if I did ever get them.
we are only making memories and nothing else yet he tells me he doesn't want us to be a part of the game or just a summer thing. yet i have no idea what i want myself. it is already as if we are dating just like it was with paul except i feel totally different around him. i am so crazed. i dont even know whether I really want that formal "we are in a relationship" typa thing because frankly i already feel as if we are. i dont feel like looing for anyone else and he doesnt have time to look anyway. i dont even think i want a realtionship realtionship. we hang out when we can, i met some of his friends and he met some of mine. I think the labels may ruin me without changing anything between us.
except one thing.
we are moving so quickly. Given, ever since i talked to him for the first time, i knew i was extremely interested in him. When by some bizzare odds we met at edc we made out like there was no tomorrow and i knew i wanted him to be there for me. i knew i wanted to see him again just to make sure this wasnt E supplying an insane amoun of affection on his side because i knew i wasn't rolling as hard as he was. on a Monday right after edc weekend he drove down and we were in his car and i felt a little awkward and wasnt sure we were still good. but after some time i felt so free and happy that i couldnt even contain msyelf after that. That night we already slept and i let him stay tilll the morning. did i know? no i didnt. did he know? nope. but it just happenend to be and i couldnt figure how i felt about it. i felt shitty and scared because this was how my sick relationship with P started. sex. friends with benefits. sexsexsex. sex was the reason i felt used and unwanted although i knew he started feeling for me. but by the time he started feeling, i couldnt/didnt want to relate anymore. i wanted sex, i wanted physical attraction, i wanted to feel wanted but the last thing i wanted from him was love or whatever feelings he had to offer. and this was why i was so afraid the next morning and i felt used. i felt like i instigated the proximity of our realtionship and i was the one who gave him a "go" but i still felt dirty and useless. i felt like i was just someone who didint deserve love. I felt like all I wanted to do is keep fucking him to prove something to myself. to prove that everyone hardly wants anything but sex. and I wanted to keep him and hurt him and make sure he knows I am more than just sex. And I felt so much anger and despair. Without any reason, just on my own. I think I was just lonely as hell and couldnt imagine him actually liking me. That day I met Sam and told her that all they want is fuck. and they'd do anything just to get at you. and I felt like breaking down. so drama, much disappointment.
but somehow it all passed. and now I just dwell in the feelings I get from this relationship. I feel enamored and pleasantly lost. He is somethingelse and if I end up heartbroken like everyone professes over me, it'll be all worth it although i am the least ready for it. I am the least ready to crash and if I am meant to... well at least I flew high enough to get sight of something I've never seen before. And this knowledge makes me happy.