Two months later
my encounters with this diary became so subtle and rare. может быть потому что на новой клавиатуре нет русских клавиш, и на память я их уже плохо помню. however, all my thoughts are in english, I noticed that I've stopped thinking in russian. My main language is English. It's jibberish and still weak with a great need for improvement. Yet, it started to be very hard on me to speak and write in Russian. So it's like i am in between both: English and Russian none of which i am fluen at. This sucks balls.
I realized I need a lot of "me" time. I become overwhelmed when I have schedule and responsibilities with deadlines. I am tired of being a living planner. Also, because of T. As I said, I really need a lot of "me" time. I don't mean I don't want to see him often but I realized it's enough for me to see him three - four times a week, I become overwhelmed and cranky when I see him every day, chilling in my bed, i feel tired emotionally because I need to keep up with another person. Maybe I am not ready for that. I can't stop wishing for being alone. I isolated all of my friends and commited all my free time to him.
Sinful thoughts but I keep thinking of the time we didnt talk for two weeks before christmas. Was I...happier? I met new people every day, I talked to new people, visited new places, I had no time to self-digging although in a back of my head there was a sad thought of him. I felt free, I did what I wanted, I went where I wanted and I didnt have to tell anyone about my plans and feeel guilty for them. I am young, so young
And it's not that I am unhappy with him. I feel secure, loved and content with him but he does overwhelm me. I hate choosing between what I want and what he wants. I hate hate the feeling of guilt and need to make something up. I want him to take me to parties, I want him to take me to clubs, to dance, to beaches to laugh, to meet new people, to see new places. Yet, what are we doing? sit at home and watch movies, sleep together and go out to movies. No, no, no this is not what I want. I shut down all my friends for him and I thinkI have no friends but what if it's just me kicking them off my life?I am confused. I cant make new friends because there's no time for it. All, all my time is devoted to work, school and him. So, what's more important in life for me right now - having this strong as i see it relationship, or live my life? What's happening to me?
Ironic thing is that I felt like I was waisting my life at my uncle's house and now that I am "free" I feel like even more of my life goes to waste.Useless, so useless.
I am upset lately, and I grant it to tiredness, yet it is not. It's something else. It's me. I am overwhelmed, I am tired of myself. Of beating down myself.
I need me time. but it only happens when we argue or stop talking. SAdly enough, I feel like this is what I want right now. For awhile.